Reasons Blood-Sucking Vampires Don't Exist

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In honor of the final Twilight movie coming out on DVD two weekends ago, I made a list to make fun (yes, the Assessor and I did watch it and liked it, but we can make fun). Enjoy!

Here are the top 10 reasons why vampire can't be real:

1) No deaths by blood draining, from two holes in the neck, ever happen.

When was the last time you heard on the news that someone died or was seriously injured after almost being bled to death by a neck biting (two holes)?

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2) Dead cells don't function.

How can you possibly think that vampire muscles work when all of the cells in their body are dead? Dead cells don't metabolize and cells that don't metabolize don't function. (source)

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3) They'd be easy to spot.

They're pale, murdering, night dwellers with pointy teeth and no pulse. Just saying.

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4) Unless you're a plant, you poop.

Well, I should qualify that all creatures expel waste. (source) I don't remember ever reading about a vampire going to the bathroom for #2 or #1 for that matter.

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5) Unless you're a plant, you sleep.

If you want to see me acting like a crazy person, Just take away my nighty-nights. And most scientist think sleep is a requirement for all creatures. (source) When was the last time you met someone who doesn't sleep at all?

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6) They'd be bored to death.

Can you imagine living for hundreds of years. How many new flavors of ice cream would you live for? How would you get your kicks?

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7) It doesn't add up.

"The laws of physics and math debunk popular myths about ghosts and vampires, according to a paper published by Efthimiou and Sohang Gandhi last year...Efthimiou supposed that the first vampire arrived Jan. 1, 1600, when the human population was 536,870,911. Assuming that the vampire fed once a month and the victim turned into a vampire, there would be two vampires and 536,870,910 humans on Feb. 1. There would be four vampires on March 1 and eight on April 1. If this trend continued, all of the original humans would become vampires within two and a half years and the vampires' food source would disappear." (source)

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8) They're clearly fiction.

Vampires are not listed in the dictionary as real living things.

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9) I haven't met one. 

Enough said.

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10) If they did exist at one time, Buffy killed them.

Bam! She killed 'em good.

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Nailed it!