Pregnancy: Leave of Absence

Baby at 20 Weeks

I'm back. I apologize for taking leave since, well, it looks like December 19, 2013. But really it was a few months earlier when I stopped blogging. I had several blogs in a row scheduled to go out automatically.

Here's the reason for my departure: I stopped blogging because I was feeling a little out of control. And I hate being out of control.

I pride myself on being a hard worker. Usually hard work, and nothing but hard work, creates success for me. I may not be the most brilliant or talented one in the room, but I do the research, ask questions, and complete work while following the rules and recommendations of others. In school, especially college, I was always the group leader. I knew how to get that A even if someone got sick or someone wasn't a great presenter. I'd take on the work of several people to get us to the finish line. Nothing could stand in my way (or our way in terms of the group). I had a plan for success.

I had anything but success for about three years while my husband and I tried for kids on our own. I had a second very early miscarriage, we lost two grandparents all in the span of one year, and we had a personal crisis in terms of the direction our lives were going.  And that's when I stopped blogging. We needed to regroup.

Below is my husband's poem on the matter that I think encapsulates all the emotions we were feeling.

Atonement

Last week, three students presented their reports on teen pregnancies.
I heard that they are out of control
Babies having babies
And we should keep it in our pants, one guy says.
Blame sex education, a girl says.
The statistics are ridiculously high, says a third.

You want statistics?
Make love to a cup
And spill 15 million sperm
When the norm is 60-200 million.
Track basal body temperature
And pull apart the mucus
Stringing it out like eggs
Peeing on sticks
To find
28.2 day cycles
Ovulation on day 14.
Have sex on demand
For 33 months
Take a whole bottle of zinc pills
And choke down the giant folic acids.
Try not to read the local hospital advertisement
“Delivering precious cargo”
Transforming a baby into a technological artifact;
Place the order and wait
The package will arrive
As scheduled.
Write an email to your parents
And type out “miscarriage” in the subject line
The package was dropped.
Name it Bill. John. Ava.
Does it matter?
I called her Lucy.
That’s my favorite.
And I always wanted a girl.
Hear the churchgoers say “relax”
Learn yoga.
Renovate a bathroom.
Pretend that you don’t have an empty bedroom
And a crib in the attic.
Visit my sisters
And my four nephews and one niece.
It feels like more
And more on the way.
Everyone calls them blessings
From the Lord.
Gifts bestowed on all
The obese couple at the basketball game
The divorced couple down the street
The student athlete’s girlfriend puking in the bathroom.
Read the scripture:
What father would give bad gifts to his children?
And invert it.
What father would deny me the gift of being a father?

Look, now, at the red lump of tissue
Sunk to the bottom of the toilet bowl
The life-giving blood
Dead. Or dying.
I touched it with a straw to be sure
Trying to draw Lucy back to me.
Feel my wife grabbing me,
Pulling me close as we were atoned
Before the sun was even awake.

Moving Forward

I hate to dwell on that period of time too much. We had three years of dwelling and we still worry more than we should when the days get tough or we take another medical test. Now, I want to focus on the fact that we're pregnant. We've been blessed with a little one who is currently growing in my tummy as I type (see the latest sonogram above). Baby G is due October 12, 2015. We had some wonderful help from the folks at the Fertility Center in San Antonio. If we had known making a baby was that easy (relatively speaking), we might have seen them a year earlier (although I'm sure everything worked out the way God wants it to be). They are world renown. I highly recommend them! Let me know if you want their contact information.

In the beginning there was...sound. Baby G is currently learning to hear. We're playing music, talking, and reading books to baby G. She's also been kicking up a storm. She loves movement, so when I'm not moving, she is. And sometimes she wants to move with me. I think she likes doing dishes, which is great. She can help later on. :) And, if you haven't gathered, Baby G is a girl. We're start finalizing names. It's exciting times!

Also, I'm going to start blogging again regularly. Some of it will be about being pregnant and others about my Allergic to Sitting hobbies and ideas like before. My creative juices are flowing, and I'm ready to share.

Welcome if you are new to my blog, thank you all for giving me another chance to share with you if you're an old fan, and also bless you for being supportive if you knew of our struggles.

God bless!