Eating Out this Weekend

I rarely rant, so please bare with me...

We should have done something similar...

The Conversation as it Happened this Saturday:
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: I'd like the BLT salad with
Waiter: No you don't.
Me: Yeah, I do. I'd like the BLT salad with
Waiter: No you don't. Really you don't. It's not one of our best items.
Me: Well, uh, I have several food allergies and I'd like to avoid them by ordering the salad.
Waiter: We're going to work on your food allergies here because that salad is not that good.
Me: I just want the BLT salad with the grilled chicken and a side of potato with nothing on it. Is that okay? [I can't believe I asked this as a question]
Waiter: That's like a $4 plain baked potato. You'll end up spending like $15 on no taste.
Me: Right, no butter or anything.
Waiter: Any dressing?
Me: Nope.
Waiter: Okaaayyy...[moves on to next order, while I excuse myself to the bathroom so I can cry]

What would have been fun if I didn't have self control:
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: I'd like the BLT salad with
Waiter: No you don't
Me: Yeah, I do. I'd like the BLT salad with
Waiter: No you don't. Really you don't. It's not one of our best items.
Me: Well, uh, I have several food allergies and I'd like to avoid them by ordering the salad.
Waiter: Well we're going to work on your food allergies here because that salad is not that good.
Me: Look you JERK, I've been "working" on my friggin allergies since I was eating solid food and pooping in diapers and it doesn't take a genius to realize that I might know a bit more about what I can and cannot eat when I look at a menu. I'm not an idiot. I'm not timid about trying new things like those high school kids in the corner. And you're not funny! Sure, I could have your steak, but your sides are either battered, buttered, or cheesed all of which I'd be happy to eat as long as you get to suffer with me to see how it feels to have a headache and diarrhea for three days. No? Oh, you don't want three days of torture? Oh, so you want to see if we can change another menu item to suit my needs instead?

NO!

See, I also learned at a very early age that you waiters have a limited amount of RAM when it comes to "special orders." You forget to leave off certain things if the list is longer than 2-3 items, which my list would be considering the amount of crap you have on this menu; the amount of crap that fills almost all restaurant menus. It may be tasty, but it's crap for all I care. Then I'll have to send back your pile of poo twice while my family finishes eating and I'm staring at their gravy, cheese, and chicken fried whatevers. Then someone will mention how great their food tastes; "mmm...this is good." Then I'll excuse myself so I can go outside and eat dirt from the front flowerbed to fill up my hungry gut.

I DON'T THINK SO.

No, I'd like to order something else. Something like maybe a SALAD and POTATO. You can't kill a salad or a potato when you order them plain. People like to eat out. People like to eat to socialize. I realize that. I'm hear to visit with my family not value what I eat, especially not YOUR food you righteous, pompous horse's rear-end. I will never enjoy eating out as much as I enjoy eating in. Ever! It's always, "let's modify this" and "let's cut out that." Until we have something with no taste that I could have made for $2 in the comfort of our home.

Do you think I LOVE salads? Does anyone just say instead of this mouth-watering chicken fried steak with gravy, buttery mashed potatoes, breaded okra, and mac n' cheese, I'll have this salad DRY? NO! But because I see crap that I can't have on your food and I know there's crap that I can't see on your food, I choose to eat salad when I go out. Unless by some miracle my 28 years of food allergies decide to take wing and fly away at this very moment, eating out sucks. It sucks! And so do YOU and all RESTAURANTS. But I do this for my family and friends. So give me the LAME salad and potato and MOVE ON! ...IDIOT!

INCONSIDERATE MORON WHO THINKS HE'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE'S TALKING BACK TO ME LIKE THIS IS WILL AND GRACE, AND HE'S WILL AND I'M GRACE. CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE AND GET AWAY FROM ME.

What should have happened (because what I said above would have been, of course, hypocritical):
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: I'd like the BLT salad with the grilled chicken with a plain baked potato
Waiter: Are you sure you just want a salad? We're really great at steaks, mashed potatoes, gravy...
Me: Yes, I'm sure.
Waiter: Any dressing on that salad?
Me: Nope.
Waiter: Okay, and for you sir...

What would also have been acceptable:
Me: I'm sorry, I can't do this. Let's leave.

Or:
Me: I'd like to speak with your manager.